SO excited that Mini starts back to school on Tuesday. We have just had too much time together over the last nearly 5 months since Pumpkin was born. Don't get me wrong, I do so love that little man. He's so funny and is loaded with personality, and it the best big brother to Pumpkin. But he needs people besides me. And I need time to do other stuff besides be his mom.
You know what stinks, though? I don't ever get away from parental guilt. It is so frustrating! When Pumpkin and I were first home from the hospital and he was home with us, I felt absolutely AWFUL that he wasn't going to daycare anymore. He loved loved his teacher and his friends there, and was in this cute little routine. He talked about all of them so often that it just made me feel like such a mean mom for pulling him out. We used to spend about 3 hours a day in the car commuting, and once we were home all the time, he actually ASKED to go for a ride in the car once. I obliged, took him for a short ride, and when we got home, he cried and cried that he had to get out of the car! Of course, before Pumpkin was born, I used to feel so guilty for how much time we spent together just driving. And I felt even guiltier because he spent so much time at daycare. Last spring, I kept talking myself off the ledge by saying he would soon be home with me all the time, and out of the car.
Now he's heading back to school on Tuesday, and... you guessed it! GUILT! What the heck? When do I get a break from myself? He NEEDS someone to spend time with him who is an expert in educating children. He needs someone who has patience. He needs friends, and social interaction, and structure, and all those things. You guys, let me just be real for a sec: I am NOT GOOD at kids. Let me be even more real: I don't even LIKE kids. I like MY kids, of course! I love them! But I will never be one of those moms that invites a thousand kids over for playdates and sundaes. I just don't have one minute of interest in it. So, daycare/preschool is the place. I'm spending way too much money on this gorgeous, posh little Montessori place. Miss Kyou-Bin, Miss Judy, and Miss Joanna are going to adore him, along with all the other bright, sweet little ones in their care. Because of them (and all of the sweetie teachers before them who have loved my son), Mini is going to go to kindergarten knowing all his letters and numbers, most likely reading a little, and he's going to be able to interact appropriately with other kids and he's going to know that I'm a constant for him even though he can do things for himself. I wouldn't be able to teach him his alphabet. Or how to count to twenty. In Spanish. I wouldn't know how to teach him to pay attention so he can learn downward facing dog or the sun salutation in Yoga (yes, of course they do Yoga at his little sunshiney Montessori place). So this is good!
By the way, all this I just wrote? I say to myself in my head about 800 times a day because I have to be convinced I'm doing the right thing. I also say to myself that he needs to be on a soccer team and take drum lessons. But I'm doing this school thing first and I'll do the other stuff once I figure out this first thing. Oh, and swim lessons. I forgot about swim lessons. Ugh, it's exhausting isn't it?
I recently read an article in Washingtonian Magazine about how Type A parents are exhausting ourselves. And not only that, we are damaging our children by trying to be perfect parents. First, let me please just say: I KNOW THAT ALREADY! I'm not trying to be one of those parents who plans which ivy league college Mini will get into by making sure he is "admitted" to the best preschool. I'm not going to be on the sidelines at his little league game screaming profanity at the coach and all the other little kiddies. I don't feel the need for Mini and Pumpkin to be the BEST, the SMARTEST, the MOST 'AHEAD' of the game. So what is it that is making me so stressed about child-rearing? I want them to be HAPPY. and HEALTHY. And I don't know if I know how to make that happen. There, I said it. I'm scared I'm going to screw up on making my kids happy and healthy because I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I wonder if I'm already failing without my knowledge. Does every mom wonder that? Does every mom second guess herself? DAILY?! Because here is the list of traits I feel like my kids need to learn, and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders to figure out how to help them learn:
Courage. Confidence. Self-knowledge. Independence. Humility. Compassion. Patience. Contentment. Inner-peace. Self-love. Generosity. Responsibility.
Wait. Read that list again. I MEAN- DANG. That is, like, a huge list. No wonder I'm so nervous and humbled by motherhood. Do I even posses all of those traits? If I don't (patience? A little touch and go for me), how can I teach my babies? Just such a tall order.
So maybe it's not about overscheduling them, or making sure they have homework from their teachers in kindergarten. I wonder if my issue is putting too much pressure on myself for my kids to be perfect adult souls by age 5. They won't be that, no matter how many yoga classes they go to or how many languages they can speak. No matter how much time they do or don't spend in the car or at home with me. Sometime between now and college, they are going to be VERY disappointing. They are going to make some terrible mistakes. They are going to let me down. Their teachers down, their friends or their partners. Themselves. And I have to be able to get to a place where I can live with their mistakes. Because parenting them through that means I have to make it NOT ABOUT ME. When I was in the thick of my big learning moments, the last thing I would have wanted to hear was a big self-loathing diatribe from my mom about how she failed as a parent because I had been selfish, or fearful, or egotistical, or irresponsible. I wanted her to talk to me about ME. About how I can get through life better if I made different choices the next time around. That's what I need to do for Mini and Pumpkin: I need to not be afraid to just let them live, let them see their faults, and mine, and learn how to live with all of it in the very best possible way. When they aren't yet confident in themselves, I need to be confident in them. When they doubt, I need to trust. When they are selfish, I need to be selfless. When they don't know themselves, I need to KNOW MYSELF. In order to be their rock, I have got to BE. THEIR. ROCK. (CRAP!)
Holy cow I'm overwhelmed with how scary parenting is. Whoever allowed me to have the responsibility of these two beautiful humans may have been completely crazy.
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