Today is actually Junen 10, 2012. I wrote the below post in May of 2011 (as it is dated) but never published it. I was in a terrible place emotionally, and was sort of "saved" by a trip to California. It was a business trip, but turned out to be a life-changing personal trip as well. Over a year later, I like how raw the feelings are in this post, and can look back over the last year and see all of the various ways that I live differently in order to prevent myself from returning to the place I was in. I have occasionally slipped back into the impatient, desperate woman I was back then, but have the benefit of seeing it immediately. I can address what's going on with me and try to take steps to get myself back on track. It's been a great journey for me, and I can honestly say that, 13 months later, I am a much happier and more easy-going person than I used to be.
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May 15, 2011:
I've been away from my boys for not yet a week. When I left I was *desperate* to leave. So much so that I almost forgot to tell D that I'd miss him. So much so that I smiled while standing in the endless security line at the airport. I SO desperately needed some time away, some time to regroup, to re-evaluate, to rejuvenate.
The day before I left, mom asked "Renee, are you happy?" And I just burst into tears and stayed that way for probably an hour. Just cried and cried. It's so exhausting to feel like shit all the time, emotionally and physically. So tiresome to never see good things when I look at myself- not in the mirror and not into my soul. Spending months feeling horribly unqualified to meet the demands of my responsibilities can do that to me, I guess.
So I spent the first few days just loving life and living it up. I spent a day shopping and eating with my good friend R, and loved my work in Oakland and my flight down to LA. I even loved my rental car.... Who spends time actually relishing their time in a stupid rental car?! But that's evidence of how much I needed time away. (In my defense, it was a Volkswagon CC, and I have always wanted to try out a Volkswagon, and the new sporty CC is super cute and fun.)
LA case studies were fun, too, and my hotels were nice and even pretty quiet, as far as hotels in LA go. Then I spent a couple of days with a close friend who is a mother of two. And that's when the real lesson came
To be honest, she is a mess. She is so quick to anger. Her personality consists of two emotions: "on the edge of rage," and "Pure unadulterated rage." Although I do think she is much more unstable than I am, I was actually surprised that I saw so much of myself in her. She got pissed off the *moment* something didn't meet her expectations. Every. Little. Thing. We took a day trip, and we didn't leave when she thought we should have and she literally couldn't breathe due to her rage until we left town. She couldn't enjoy a thing from the moment she broke until the minute detail had been rectified. I would say she needed inpatient therapy, but I know how she feels because, literally, less than a week ago, I was in that same place. What is my freaking problem?
I have everything I need. I have a husband that loves me. I have a delightful, funny, intelligent child whome everyone falls in love with the moment they meet him. I hate to state the obvious, but no one's dog is as perfect as my dog. I can't help it. She's perfect. I can afford my mortgage. I love my car. Yes, I spend a shit load of time in my car, but I love it. I'm not commuting in a beat up station wagon with no A/C. Or a Saturn SC2, like in the olden days. My car rocks. I am running again, and I don't feel guilty at all about taking the time I need to go running- even when that means and hour and a half lunch. I'm about a month away from giving myself the gift of a runner girl bumper sticker again. Not everything is perfect. I hate my commute and I don't know what direction my life is headed in. But I DO know that my sweet family will be with me when I get there, and I know that my friends will celebrate with me when I arrive in that destination. I have a life that is lived by the minute. I have trouble relaxing because of how minute-to-minute my life has to be lived.
But really, what happens when I get in the car 6 minutes late?
What happens if I get to work 28 minutes later than I usually do because I have to shower after my run?
What happens if my brother comes to my house for the weekend, and D spends more time with him than he does with me? What happens if I go to bed with toys strewn all over the basement? Laundry still in the dryer? Dirty dishes unwashed in the dish washer? What happens if I wake up and things aren't perfect?
Really, nothing happens. What happens is that I enjoyed my run. I enjoyed my evening with the boys and didn't want to miss my cuddle time in bed with D because I was cleaning the basement. In the end, WHO. FREAKING. CARES? If my basement is clean in the middle of the night????????
I need to enjoy my life more. I need to give myself permission to just BE with my sweet baby and his dad. I need to cut people more slack. I need to cut myself some slack. SERIOUSLY. I feel like I am getting less attractive as I grow older, but maybe I'm getting less attractive the more stressed I allow myself to become. That's how I really feel. My heart isn't happy and I am getting bulldozed by my own fascination with negativity. I'm going to turn 40 wishing I hadn't stressed away my last 5 years.
So I don't know how I'm going to put these ideas into practice. That's what I need to figure out. Overall, just breathe. Just relax.
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