Ten things I've learned since becoming a parent

1- I need to have mercy on myself.

     Last year at this time, I was in an awful place.  I have learned since then that I have GOT to cut myself some slack.  When I look in my children’s hopeful, trusting, expectant eyes, I feel enormously unqualified for the position of turning them into the wonderful adults I hope they will become.  I make parenting mistakes daily.  Hourly.  Minutely?  Probably even more mistakes than I realize.  Probably more significant mistakes than I think.  I have to forgive myself each day for being human and for only knowing so much, and for the fact that I have a limit to my capabilities.  I want to give my children the world and I can’t, and that is the hardest lesson I’m still learning each day.

2- I’m still afraid to puke

     I have an intense phobia of vomiting.  I need therapy for it, really, but who has time or money for therapy when you’re a mom?  I have to save my time and my pennies in case my kids need therapy one day.  But anyway, a number of friends told me that I wouldn’t be afraid of my kids’ puke because it’s my kids and I love them.  False.  I’m terrified of puking and I’m terrified of my kids puking.  Period.

3- Motherhood is a cult I’m proud to be a part of             

     A lot of women will tell you that mothers judge each other constantly.  We do, it’s true I guess.  It’s true of human nature, and we moms are still humans.  Powerful warrior humans, yes, but judgemental ones as well.  However, more than I have been shocked by the negative energy from other moms, I have been touched and awed by their positive energy.  We are a community of people who know we can’t get through this unless we show each other compassion and love.  Unless we share our knowledge, our advice, our shoulders, and our tears, we might not get our kids to adulthood.  At least, that’s how I feel.  When I learn that someone is a parent, I immediately think “Oh thank goodness, you get it!”  And more often than not, she does.  And I feel grateful and honored to count myself among these amazing people.

4- I knew absolutely nothing about parenting until I became one             

     I am ashamed of how judgy I was of parents before I became one.  I judged everything so many moms, and was REALLY unfair.  Especially considering how clueless I was about motherhood.  Still AM about motherhood, just like the rest of us.

     Since becoming a parent, I have done and said countless things I said I would never do or say.  My career, as one example, fell drastically down the priority list from the moment I touched my baby boy’s face.  I would go to the ends of the earth for my children.  I would throw myself in front of a bus for them.  A bullet.  And yet, I have not cooked dinner.  I have turned on the TV.  I have not bought organic.  I have fed formula.  And I have been, luckily, gratefully, humbled by each of these seemingly horrific acts.   Because we all are doing everything we can think of for our kids.  Each and every one of us is pushed to our limits by our children.  And we have to do this thing the best and only way each of us knows how.  That might mean different things for me than it does for my fellow warrior momma, and that’s okay.  As well, I’ve learned to be okay with the fact that people without children will judge me.  If they have children one day, they’ll learn.

5- I’m not always glad I’m a mom.

     I guess I expected that I’d be glad to give my entire world to my children, every second of every day, from the instant I saw their sweet faces.  Maybe I think that’s what my mom did, and maybe that’s what I thought “made” a good mom.  The unfailing selflessness, the constant desire to be with my kids, and subsequently not missing my “old life.”  Happy hours, working out, having all of my time and all of my money to do exactly as I please….  I thought I would just say to myself “Oh but thank god I have a purpose now- I have CHILDREN!”  

     The fact is, I miss the old life sometimes.  I miss being asked out to happy hour at 4:55, and walking to the bar with my colleagues at 5:02….  Then staying out until midnight.  I miss shopping sprees for new work clothes.  I miss multiple vacations a year.  I miss being able to go home at night and watch a whole movie, AND cook myself dinner, AND catch up with a friend, and THEN sleep eight blissful uninterrupted hours.  I miss it, though, because I had a great time in my 20s and early 30s.  I lived my life passionately and fully, and the years before I had children were a great ride.  I’ve learned it’s natural to miss them on occasion.  But now, I get to hold my daughter at 3am, the house peaceful, and the stars and moon casting a glow on her skin.  I watch her eyes light up and the corners of her little mouth turn up when she sees my face.  And I know I’m living this new life just as passionately and fully as the old one.  And I’m grateful for this life, too.

6- Motherhood is pure selflessness… mostly.

     Overall, parenthood tops my list of selfless acts.  By a LONG shot.  Once, when I was in middle school, I asked my mom why she didn’t buy things for herself when we went to the mall, and why she and my dad never took vacations without us.  I wondered, in short, why I never saw her putting herself first.  She told me that doing things for me made her far happier than doing things for herself made her.  I remember that conversation so vividly that it could have taken place last week.  So, I expected once again that I would feel that way once I had children.   

     I’m glad to say that I don’t feel that way.  I still feel the need to take care of myself.  I want nice things for me, too.  I want my husband’s undivided attention sometimes.  I relish my time alone.  But I realize that these needs of mine- that I would once have called “selfish,” are actually just me giving myself permission to give my children the best “me” that I can.  I have to refuel so I can be available to them.  So these things I need are not selfless.  They are actually another way of me taking care of my kids- of me modeling how to be your very best, how to honor and love yourself.  I think they are important lessons to learn, and I’m glad my kids can learn them from me.

7- Breastfeeding isn’t easy

     One of the harshest and most unfair judgements I made on moms prior to becoming one myself is a mother’s decision not to breastfeed.  Holy mother of GOD, breastfeeding is HELLA TOUGH.  I honestly can’t name anything I’ve ever done that is more challenging than breastfeeding.  I could write a book about it, truly- and I honestly might.  And I will never, ever think one more second about a mother’s decision to formula feed her baby. 

8- I have both more and less patience than I thought

     Mini once slapped me across the face in front of his childcare provider and two parents.  Slapped me so hard, in fact, that it made a WHACK sound as his hand landed on my left cheek.  For as long as I live, I will never forget the immediate thought I had: “STOP.  Do not touch him right now.  If you touch him, you will hurt him.”  It was as if time stood still for a moment.  I took a breath.  Long and slow, deep into my abdomen.  I closed my eyes and clenched my fists.  Then I reached down, picked up my son, and dealt with the issue appropriately. 

     I am not, by nature, a patient person.  Because of that, I’m not alllllways as patient as I should be with my kids.  Sometimes I tell Mini to hurry up when we are walking across the parking lot to the grocery store.  And man, he does chew his food slow as molasses so it takes us forever to eat a meal.  It’s frustrating sometimes, the interruptions, the tantrums, and, oh dear god, the potty training…  

     But I’m more patient than I thought I could be.  Probably am more patient now than I was pre-kids.  In some moments, when my daughter is waking up for the fifth time in a row at night, or when Mini has yet another potty training accident, I just say to myself “Oh well, here we go.”  I just do what I need to do to take care of my kids.  I want them to see me handling it, I want them to feel safe and to know that their mom is a sure thing.   My mom once told me that, when the chips are down with my babies, and things are going haywire, I have to stay in control because I CAN, and they CAN’T.  They may fly off the handle.  They might get mad and slap me across the face in front of their teacher.  I can’t allow that behavior to go unaddressed, but I do have to keep myself in check for their sake.  And, surprisingly, I can do that.  I have to say, sometimes I’m pretty impressed with myself because of it.

9- I will never be able to repay my own mother.

     For any of us out there that are moms, we now know.  And we now wish we could go back and apologize, mend, unbrake, take back so many of the ungrateful, selfish, and unappreciative things we said and did to our poor mothers.  I look at my babies and melt in love for them, and cannot imagine hearing them say to me some of the things I’ve said to my mom.  She is the strongest and most beautiful soul I know.  I nearly knew that before I became a mom.  But now I know it like I know the sky is blue.

10- I know my babies better than anyone else knows them

     I didn’t trust myself enough with Mini at first.  I had a sense of what was going on with him- whether or not he was sick, if he needed to go to the doctor, if he was teething, would have a poor night’s sleep, etc.  I started to notice, though, at the urging of some great friends, that I typically made the right call with him.  Usually, if I had the sense that something was going on- good or bad- I was right.  Now that I can start over with Pumpkin, I trust myself with her.  I know that no one can read her the way I can.  And, likewise, I know that she looks at me and feels perfectly safe with me.  I don’t have to “try” to make her feel safe and loved.  She inherently does because I am her mother.  The miracle of motherhood, for me, is found in this beautiful beginning of the relationship with my children.  When they were born, both of them stared into my eyes for what felt like hours.  Those eyes know me, my smell, my voice, and my arms.  And I…  I made them.  So of course I know them.  Of course we trust each other.  Of course we love each other.  It’s an incredible feeling to give myself permission to go with my gut and make the right call on my babies.  It’s a level of confidence that is rare in my life, and very luckily, it’s confidence found in the most important place- the care of my children.