Happy Mothers Day to Me

I guess you can say my week was saved by yet another good blog post.

My Mothers Day was rough.  We had an open house from 1-4, and D and I woke up on edge... Anxious to finish up last minute cleaning before we opened.  I was leaving at 9am to go meet a friend for breakfast, and honestly, I'm pretty sure D wasn't speaking to me for the three hours we were awake prior to my leaving.  I felt guilty for taking the time to put on make up.  Can you believe that?  Let me say that again.  I actually STOPPED putting on my make up because I felt GUILTY for spending 8 minutes so I could feel presentable in public.  I ended up applying mascara at a stoplight on the way to lunch.  ON A SUNDAY.

ON MOTHERS DAY.

The guilt that I feel about every choice I make on a daily basis is stifling.  I really don't ever allow myself a pat on the back.  "Do you ever look at your kids and just think 'Hey, I'm a good mom?' " people ask.

"No, not ever," I reply.  Not ever.  And in the moments when I think I might have the hang of this mom thing, and I approach the very slippery edge of feeling ok, it seems the stark reminder that I have a lot to learn kicks me in the teeth with all her might.

Until the morning after Mothers Day.  I read this.  She said I chose to be patient when I felt like boiling over. She said I chose to empower my children when I wanted to berate them.  She told me I woke up way too early and snuggled with my babies even though I was too tired to drag myself out of bed.  She told me that, even though I fought it, I went for a run with a friend on Saturday and I had breakfast with a fellow mommy on Mothers Day, and she told me that I KNOW that makes me a better mommy.  She told me that I took the time to affirm myself, and that makes me a role model for my children.

And for just a small moment in time, at that very moment in the peaceful early morning, she opened my mind enough for me to say "Wow.  She's right.  If those are things that a good mom chooses, then I am a good mom."

Can I tell you what that felt like?  Can I tell you what it feels like to lift the shame, guilt, and judgement off my back even for a moment?  Perhaps you are like me.  Perhaps your soul doesn't allow you many congratulations.  How often do you look in the mirror and think "Job well done, sister."  Did you do it today?  Last week?  Last year?  EVER?

Well, I did on Monday.  And I'm still thinking about it.  I'm still thinking a little about the patience my children demand every day, and how much of my physical and emotional self I give to them.  It's a lot.  I give it without thinking.  And that's the rub, right?

For the people we love, we give whatever they need without thinking.  Because that selflessness is the definition of soulful, true, deep-to-the-core LOVE.  And because we don't think about it, I think we often just... miss it.

It has taken me almost four years to begin wrapping my heart and head around this identity of mine that is "MOTHER."  But finally, this week, I identify with the word- and for the first time I am proud of this identity.

And while I'm not going to start counting my individual acts of selflessness and I'm not going to gloat or basque in my new-found perfection (HA!), perhaps I have found some ammunition against my ever-present negative self.  When she creeps in to ruin my day, I think I might know what to tell her now.

A new chapter in my motherhood journey has begun.  Happy Mothers Day to me.