Permission to Feel Okay

Last Friday, I got a call from school that Mini was having a pretty bad day.  A classmate was sitting in the spot on the rug that he usually sits in during circle time, so he went up and smacked her.  That's right, across the face.  Twice.  Then, when the class went outside to play, he pushed not one, but TWO friends off their bikes onto the ground because he wanted to ride a bike and there were none left.  They told me he then was refusing to come inside for snack, and that they aren't allowed to handle him- to force him- to do anything when he is upset.  Okay.  I'll be right there.

I was a MESS all weekend.  I thought... This is how things went downhill last semester.  He started lashing out at teachers and students.  He started hitting and throwing toys.  The teachers started telling me they were afraid of him.  The teachers started telling students to stay away from him.  This is the beginning of the end, I thought.  ThisIsTheBeginningOfTheEndThisIsTheBeginningOfTheEndThisIsTheBeginningOfTheEndThisIsTheBeginningOfTheEndThisIsTheBeginningOfTheEndThisIsTheBeginningOfTheEnd......

ALL.  WEEKEND.

I couldn't sleep, lost my appetite, had nightmares, thought of nothing else.  

I spent the entire day on the phone on Friday, thinking oh my god I have to get him into therapy.  He can't even stay in school.  I have to get him help.

Luckily, not giving up MATTERS.  The following things happened:

1) I found out that, because of an insurance situation with D's employer, we are allowed to go ANYWHERE we want for ABA Therapy, and it will be covered by insurance.  No worry about in/out of network.  Everyone's in network.  Boo-ya!

2) I was comforted that his evaluation with Prince William County Child Find was already on the books for this week!  Listening to my gut and following my instinct worked.  Even though we will have to wait until next school year to implement their recommendations, we are ON IT.  That provided a sense of peace for me over the weekend.  My hands aren't being thrown in the air with hopelessness.  Between Child Find, Speech Therapy, and ABA, we are on our way to forward progress.

3) I found a support group!!!  I got no less than 5 amazing emails from women who live near me (I mean close, you guys.  Not 30 miles.  Close as in, like, USE THE SAME GROCERY STORE I DO), who have been through what I'm going through and who offered such kind, supportive words.  And, even better, offered amazing success stories in the form of their own children!!  One parent who emailed said her 14 year old with PDD is making straight A's, has a black belt in karate, serves as an umpire for a youth baseball league, is on his schools basketball team, and DOESN'T EVEN KNOW about his diagnosis!!!!  She has a second son with Autism, who is not as high functioning as the first, but he still has a ton of amazing successes at age 9.  I find that hearing these success stories makes me feel so hopeful.  Mini is so high-fuctioning.  I KNOW we can improve his social skills, I know he can learn to talk more and I KNOW he can learn.  And hearing evidence that therapy and child find interventions have been successful?  Priceless.

I am meeting a woman for coffee next week.  Love.

4) I implemented some new ideas at home, based on what I've read about ABA and behavior modification therapies, that have made a difference for Mini even in just a few days.  The school was *more* than willing to work with us and with him to implement the same ideas at school, and he has had three AWESOME days this week!  So far so good today (Thursday) as well.  I have hardly left the house because I feel like the next phone call is going to come any minute, but I am grateful for three and a half days of good.  He has shared with friends this week...  Has even initiated the sharing HIMSELF!  He has been talking a ton, they said.

5) I moved his Wednesday speech therapy appointment to the same time as his Monday appointment.  I think he gets confused and upset when he doesn't know what to expect.  It used to be that Monday's schedule was Speech, School, Home, and Wednesday's schedule was School, Speech, Home.  He wasn't handling that well.  This week, both days, we did Speech, School, Home and he had an absolutely FABULOUS day yesterday!  Amazing, right?

6) I contacted many ABA therapy options, two of which have current openings.  I contacted Mini's doc at Kennedy Krieger, to ask that she amend her evaluation of him to include a recommendation of ABA, and she will be sending that to me shortly.  I also added him to the waitlist at Johns Hopkins Center for Autism and Related Disorders, and while there is a 6 month waitlist, we are ON IT.  Good.  I filled out paperwork, I got us set up with our own personal Clinical Care Manager with our insurance company, who helps navigate insurance issues for Autism Disorders ONLY (and is thus an expert).  Who knew that such a person would exist for us?  Thank you to my husband's employer for proving incredible coverage and resources for us.  Thank goodness for good news when it is needed most.

I have received the blessings of hope, compliments, connections, smiles, hugs... from a lot of wonderful people this week.  I am lucky.

Today.... Just for today.... I am giving myself the little gift of Permission to Know I'm Doing The Best I Can. I know I'm not perfect.  I imagine there are some mommies who may be doing better than I am in similar situations.  But, I am Doing The Best I Can.  This week... Just this week... It has been Enough.  I made the best decisions I could with the information available to me, and I feel like forward progress was made.  I feel like Mini was mostly happy this week.  Okay, Self, you did okay.  Now BREATHE.