Courage+Humility=Confidence

We moms, we get it done.  In spite of fear, in spite of sickness, lack of sleep, lack of funds, lack of patience, we DO.  We love our way through all adversity and we Make People.  Pregnancy is hard, yes, but that it nothing compared to afterward....  That beautiful little pink muffin love arrives and then our Job gets real.  REAL fast.  You get down to the dirty work of making a baby into a human and you realize WOW.  I'm enormously unqualified for this.

When I was a freshman in college, I had a brief stint as a Young Life leader.  I remember taking my high schoolers camping, and I had one of the two most poignant moments of my college life.  It was early evening and the sky was just starting to grey.  I looked around this huge field, teeming with kids smiling and kicking soccer balls and wandering from group to group, chattering.  When suddenly it occurred to me: I Am Responsible For These Kids.  If there is a problem, I don't go to someone.  I AM the someone.  I don't go find the fixer.  I AM the fixer.  That was an overwhelming, shocking, terrifying realization.

"I don't know how to fix anything", I thought.  What if someone needs something and she discovers I'm an impostor?

"I'm not a responsible adult, but I play one here at Young Life camp."

But I did it.  And that was sort of the beginning of my adult existence, that moment.  Since then, at 18, I very gratefully have learned more about what it means to be responsible and adult and take care of your own life and the lives of the people who have been entrusted to you.  But I simultaneously have learned that life is HUGE.  The lessons are as endless as the List of Things We Should Know.  Every time I think I might know, I get taught a lesson.  "Hey, watch THIS.  You're clueless."

So, still that question lingers.... What if someone needs something, and they discover that I'm an impostor?  I don't know how to do anything, really.  I try pretty hard to live life as a good, upstanding member of the Human Race, but I fail at that task.  OFTEN.  For example, sometimes, it feels like too much of a pain in the butt to rid the empty, plastic peanut butter jar of ALL REMNANTS of peanut butter, and so I throw it away, you guys.  I don't recycle it sometimes.  There, I said it.  And also, I don't know CPR.  And also, I don't know how to fry an egg.  And honestly, sometimes I give up on things that are hard for me.  Like making homemade tortillas.  Or snowboarding.  Or learning about international politics.  I'm not kidding when I say I have a hard time understanding what's going on in the world.  It's embarrassing.  How am I supposed to make good people out of the Humans Entrusted to My Care if I fail so miserably on a daily basis?

But then I realize: I don't HAVE to know everything.  And being afraid is one of the most human feelings we have.  Admitting that we don't know it all is humility.  And loving your way through life with humility, and grace, even when you're afraid, is COURAGE.

And there are ten thousand of life's greatest lessons right there.  I want my babies to learn to love through their lives with humility, grace, and courage.  And I know, because I'm fallible and fearful and because I try like HELL to love my children every minute of every day, that they will one day see me as an example.  Maybe not today.  Maybe not in five years.  Eight.  Ten.  But someday, they will be able to say "My mom showed me how to do this."  And they will stand up in the face of their fears and walk forward anyway.  With love.

Once, a friend of mine who is a mother of thee told me that she was grateful to her children for teaching her to be confident.  She said she remembered being so mousy in high school.  Can I do this?  Does she really like me?  Am I a good musician?  Am I going to pass Calculus?  Will I ever amount to anything?  Am I a good daughter?  She said...  Children make you confident.  They test all the boundaries you set for yourself your whole life, and then they force you to walk through them.  They count on you, EXPECT you, to walk through them because they need you to.  I get it now.  She told me: "I'm a mother of three, I can do anything."

She's older than I am, and had kids younger than me, so I heard those words many years ago.  But I have been thinking of them often lately.

I am doing so many things I never thought I'd have the strength to do.  I am raising a son who is on the Autism Spectrum, and he is happy, and he loves, plays, laughs, tries, and learns.  I actually SEE him learn sometimes.  That is AMAZING- to watch your child's face the moment he realizes a Truth in the World.  I am raising a daughter, and I see her learning to trust- others and herself. She hugs mightily and laughs heartily, and she lights up a room at age 1.  And they have a mother who Tries.  Mercilessly.  Fights for them.  Loves them fiercely.  Who soldiers through the fear and the second guesses and the Hard.  Because they expect me to, yes, but... and here is the most important thing... also because I don't know any other way of living.  Confidence.  Courage.  Humility.  Love.  I'm giving them examples of those.  At least I can say that.

And I will fail them sometimes.  We will get to the end of our time together and they will have some scars that I left on their hearts.  Just like we all have a few scars left after the hard times with our own parents.

But they have the basics.

Today let's not beat ourselves up, friends.  Today let's rest in knowing the Truths we are passing on to our children are universal and meaningful.  And let's take today to say YES.  They are learning these Things from me, and I am enough for them TODAY, and I'm so glad I am Theirs.

Yes.