A few weeks ago, Pumpkin and I were headed back to pick up Davis at ABA therapy. We were at a MAJOR intersection. One of the big, big ones with multiple turn lanes and multiple through lanes, where the light cycle takes approximately one full afternoon to make one full cycle. I was the first car in line to go straight, so when the light turned green, I pulled on though the intersection. About halfway through, I realized my light wasn't green. The TURN LIGHT was green, but not the STRAIGHT light. I could have gotten completely plowed by those poor folks trying to turn in front of me. They'd have hit both me and Pumpkin, smack on our side of the car.
Fortunately, the Universe showed me mercy. She threw me a bone and said "I get it, Momma, you've got a lot of plates spinning. But you know what? Get your act together, for crying out loud." (ps: I know it's spelled Mama. I just prefer Momma. Like Mommy but with an A. Just so you know, I know.)
I used to drive about 3 hours a day- back when we were a family of three, and my son didn't have Pervasive Developmental Disorder yet, and I had a job outside of making him Well. Mini and I spent three hours a day on the road, daycare drop offs, breakfasts on the go, packed lunches sitting shotgun, waiting for traffic updates on the 8's from WTOP. I can't imagine doing that now. Let's face it, my kids and I might not make it because I can't stop my head long enough to navigate myself through heavy traffic.
And the intolerance of/inability to focus in traffic is just one way that I have changed. Fortunately, most of the ways I've changed in the last year a) have nothing to do with being stuck in traffic, and b) do not put myself or my children in in path of oncoming cars. Thank heaven.
1) I almost NEVER feel rushed anymore. My brain goes about 6000 miles per hour, 24 hours a day, but my body? Not so much. I don't need to pass people on the road, I almost never speed. I don't set an alarm in the morning, I relish my showers at night and don't feel the need to rush to bed. I floss. Every single night. I cook most things from scratch. I don't mind extra trips to the grocery store, and don't mind when I learn I forgot something and have to run back and grab it. I never tell my kids to "hurry up." I love that I'm given the privilege of not being in a big damn hurry all the time. It is a gift to me, in this horribly complicated and grief-ridden time of my life, that I can set a pace that feels good for me and my family.
2) I feel safest in the lobbies of Davis's therapists. When we all walk in, there are always other mommies and kiddos in there, waiting for their therapy with us. It's the **ONLY** time I am positive that neither I nor my babies are being judged. It's the ONLY time I know we are all understood, inherently, without a second glance or a word of explanation. Even if their kids don't have an ASD, they have some issue that brought them here that is beyond the control of either the parent or the child. They are Working On It and so are we. We all sit and chat and laugh and correct our children's idiosyncracies (or we don't and no one cares) and we allow them to be guinea pigs for one another and it just feels like we all can breathe. I don't have to explain what PDD-NOS is or ASD or Receptive/Expressive Language Delay or Social Communication Disorder or insurance bologna or how tired and sad I am or how scared I am for my and my child's future. Everyone knows. Relief. I don't know them, and they don't know me, but in that small sweet space, We Are Known by one another, and we're all safe.
3) I have patience that lasts longer than most people I know. Probably no one who knows me believes that statement. However, when you have a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, you learn patience that could actually withstand anything. Anywhere. Anytime. There are silly things that take Mini an UNGODLY amount of time to learn. He might know that "A cow says moo." but if I ask him "What does a cow say?" he often can't answer me. If I say "Moo says a...." and wait for him to fill in the blank, he won't. The number of times I have to remind him how to complete a menial task is absolutely ludicrous. Not because he doesn't know how to do it, but because other things are so much more interesting and he just loses track. If I lose my patience, if I lose my cool, if I show Mini that his tactics get to me, then they will quickly become impossible to modify. This is not to say that I don't slip up and scream profanity at him (yes, I have done that and felt momentarily grateful for his language delay...) or at myself from time to time, but I am proud of the fact that my patience with my son could move mountains. It's the key to unlocking his potential. The 7,278th time I try to teach him something important might be the time he learns, so i can't give up and lose my cool on the 7,277th.
4) I am as strong as people think I am. It feels SO GOOD to know that. My life has not been necessarily easy, and I have had my Big Tests. I've mostly been proud of how I've handled myself when the chips have been thrown down in front of me. But this.... This is the test of my life- and I'm not going to fail. Today, Mini kicked ABA Therapy's BOOTY. His therapist literally couldn't stop talking about what a fabulous session they had together. She had FUN with my Buddy. They played. They conversed. He complied with her requests, almost every. Single. Time. He said hi to other kids and other therapists. He stopped a preferred task and turned his attention to a non-preferred task without having to have a material reinforcer. He used words and not hitting or biting to communicate wants and needs. He laughed. He yelled in delight. Just two months ago, he had to be carried from the therapy room, kicking and biting and screaming loud enough that people on the second floor of the building turned and stared through the window. And since we're tooting his praises already.... He ALSO went to the dentist this week and was the bravest, sweetest little 20-toothed kid in the office. He ALSO went to the Emergency Room in the middle of the night and gave high fives to the hospital staff and screamed "SEE YA LATER!" when we left, prescription medication in hand. So, you guys, this week was huge. HUGE HUGE HUGE. And it happened because I don't stop studying. I don't let him get away with things at home that he doesn't get away with at therapy. I do everything I can think of, every second of every day, even when I'm sick of it. Even when I can hardly keep my eyes open. Even when I can't see through my tears. Even when I'm shaking from fear. I believe he Can. And I know that because I'm his mom and he is made of my blood and bones and pieces of my soul. So you know what, Autism? Bring it. I'm standing my ground and I'm lifting Mini up and our family is going to be just fine.
5) Mini is a really hard worker. Already, at his young age, I have such a deep respect for his discipline and his fortitude. He DOES try, even when he doesn't want to. This summer, when most kids his age were at the pool or tumbling at the Little Gym, my Buddy was sitting in his block chair at ABA, in front of Miss Allison or Miss Kristen, figuring out Life. He was at home with me, getting grilled about putting a ball UNDER the chair. Now put in ON TOP OF the chair. Now put it ON the chair. He was getting tested. He was being asked to point to "What we cook on" out of six different photos. Other kids were playing soccer or climbing the jungle gym, and he was putting all the red things in this box, and all the blue things in that box. He works his butt off, you guys. And one day, when he's old enough to understand all this, I'm going to be able to tell him that my pride in his efforts has brought tears to my eyes since he was four years old. What a great gift he is giving himself, learning this kind of work ethic at age four.
------------------------
I'm learning other, less positive lessons, but I'm not going to write about those right now. I'm going to relish tonight, in grateful, humble, rare peace. I'm going to let this week wash over me for a little bit. In two weeks, he will start at a new school and I'm terrified and so is he and it's going to be really hard. But tonight, peace, pride, and toothy grins. And rest after some jobs well done.
No comments:
Post a Comment