Inspiration

When I was pregnant, I had so many dreams.  Dreams of rocking my baby to sleep, dreams of watching him learn to ride a bike, dreams of first days of school, soccer moms, school bake sales.  Dreams of taking pictures before prom, overnight birthday parties.

I had dreams of the big conversations I'd have to have:
Drugs.
Sex.
Bullies.
College applications.
Self-respect.
Self-reliance.
Courage.
Humility.

When Mini was born, I dreamed about who he'd become.  A musician?  A football player?  A poet?  An engineer like Daddy or a social scientist like Mommy?  I dreamed of lazy summer days at camp or at the beach.  I dreamed of boy scout backpacks and evening s'mores by the fire.

I dreamed of the future....  What his college major would be, who he'd marry, what he'd do for a living.  I dreamed of him finding fulfillment, living The Dream.  Love.  Job.  Smarts.  A happy, loving partnership. Babies (grandbabies!).  Hobbies.

This week marks the 50th anniversary of Martin Luther King's speech that changed the course of the world.  To this day, we are still endeavoring to make that dream a reality.  We haven't figured it out yet.  Dr. King didn't know how to make it a reality when he wrote those words.  He knew what things would look like in the end, and he knew that it was beautiful.  That it was a dream worth having.  And that it was a dream worth inspiring in others.  I admire his ability to foresee a brighter future and I admire his ability to infuse DESIRE and HOPE and FAITH in a planet full of people.  I read that speech this week and bawled at the raw-ness of his emotion, at the depth his heart could reach to find the most beautiful vision of the future.  I cried because of his fearlessness.  His dream was so huge.  IS, STILL, so huge.  And yet he shouted it, with courage and conviction, to millions from the steps of the very center of America.

I have a dream, he said.  He said, You look at the world and you think my dream will never happen.  But I Am Not Going To Let Go of My Dream.  I am going to grab you by the hand and walk you in the direction of my dream until the day I die so that you know how it feels to walk forward.  So you know that Forward is possible.  So that you will be able to glimpse the future the way I know it will exist.  Here.  Look at this beauty.  YOU TRY, TOO.  You can create it, too.

Breathe now and think how many ways Dr. King's words can change the world.

Today, I am thinking about how Dr. King can maybe change my world.

Because I used to have these dreams about my son's future.  And for the last 9 months, I haven't believed that those dreams have a foundation in reality.  Autism Spectrum Disorders have a way of laughing in the face of your dreams, and making you question all of the dreams you ever had.  I didn't think I was allowed to have those dreams anymore.

My dreams aren't as big as Dr. King's.  I was a bit hesitant to write this because I don't want anyone to think I have belittled the globalness and the power of Dr. King impact.  But, even though the dreams I have right now are only about my little four year old boy, they feel just as far-fetched.  They feel just as big.  They feel like they will be so much harder than I am capable of, and that they will require a hell of a lot more stamina and strength than I am capable of mustering.

But what I am going to take away from Dr. King's fight is that my dreams are possible.  I don't know much about the path I need to walk between today and Mini's future, but...

I see it.

I see his confidence.  I see him hugging his friends, I see high fives.  I can hear D and I cheering for him.  I can feel the weight of the backpack on my shoulders as we explore the wilderness together.  I can place the photos on the mantle- boy scout ceremonies or guitar recitals or soccer championships or science fair prizes. I see him climbing in the car with his buddies to head out- mountain biking, or to the paintball field, or on a date with his current Love.  I see he and his dad flipping steaks on the grill, he and Pumpkin smiling together at the bus stop on their way to middle school.

I refuse to give up these dreams, Dr. King.  Even though the World was full of naysayers, and you were surrounded by every reason to give in and stop trying, you wouldn't stop.  You were hit, kicked, knocked off your feet literally and figuratively, by everyone trying to stop you from leading the world where you knew we needed to go.  And I can keep walking too.  Mini will fall 7 times, and I will help him up 8 times.  I will keep holding his hand and walking him forward so that he will know how it feels.  So that, one day, when he looks up, he'll find that he's walking on his own and I'm behind him, shining the lamp that lights his path ahead.  He will realize that he can walk himself toward any dream he has.  Perhaps he will one day realize (just like many of us do with our own parents) that it was me that started him in the direction of his dreams, long before he even knew what dreams were.

That's it.  No more questioning what is possible.  This week I'm honoring Dr. King's legacy in a new a different way.  I'm grabbing Mini's hand and we are going to walk.  Forward.

Thank you to Dr. King- the man who really knew how to dream.