A disclaimer has been brewing in my brain for a while, so let’s consider this the small print of my little series on how I raise my kidlets…. Initially, when I wrote about ABA principles being applicable to typical young children, I didn’t really imagine there’d be much interest, and I didn’t really imagine I’d write so much about it. As more and more friends are sharing with me how much they’re chomping at the bit to learn more, I’m becoming more cautious.
I’m certainly not saying that ABA techniques are the only way to raise, discipline, or shape the behavior of a child. I’m not saying that they’re the best way. Every family determines for themselves how to be a family, and how to raise the children within the family unit into responsible adulthood.
Also, of course, I’m not an expert on anything. I’m not a Behavior Analyst, and most of the time, I hardly feel like I know my own son- much less any of your children. I never babysat or worked at a daycare, and pretty much shunned all children under the age of 10 until I had my own babies, so I am basically the opposite of expert on child development. I have two college degrees- one in psychology which was filled with classes on human cognition, neuroscience, and diagnosable psychoses, and a second that was filled with ethical and moral development in college students, along with a smattering of organizational psychology involving the proper business practices within colleges and universities.
Please, I beg, do not think I have an inflated sense of self importance when it comes to knowledge of child rearing. In fact, I’m most often told by Mini’s therapists, teachers, and extended family that I am too hard on myself. While I appreciate the shout out, I prefer humility, which is fortunate since both of my children remind me in some way on a daily basis that… yes, in fact, I am just as clueless as I thought.
Phew. So now that you know I’m clueless and unqualified to talk about all this, let’s talk about why and when ignoring your kids is a good thing!
Children need attention. They crave it. They thrive on it. My daughter screams for me to watch pretty much every action she takes “Mommy WATCH THIS!” is her mantra. Jumps off the bottom step. Gallops her fake horse across the coffee table. Performs a downward facing dog. Belts out the latest rendition of “Let it Go.” SHows me her muscles. Attention from the people they love most in the whole wide world- i.e. their parents- is the *most* reinforcing thing for most children.
When either of my children are bent out of shape, they eye me. They may pretend like they don’t want me to see, but… oh, friends…. they REALLY want me to watch. They want to figure out how I’ll react. They think they can predict, even:
“Let me try dumping this milk on the table. I bet mom will roll her eyes at me!”
“She’s cooking dinner NOWWWWW, but just wait until I stomp on her foot and start crying! She’ll have to stop and deal with me THEN!”
“Yeah, she told me not to ride my scooter into the street, but if I do, she’ll have to chase after me and grab me by the arm!”
“I’m not going down for my nap no matter what. The second she’s out of sight, I’m gonna start BAWLING.”
What I’ve learned is that all attention reinforces the action that got me to attend to my kids- even if I’m not happy about attending to them. If my eyes are on them, they are happy to be in the center of my world at that moment, so they make a note of that action that put them there. It becomes a trick they can pull out of their hat if they feel like they aren’t central enough in my world in the future.
If I don’t give them the attention they seek, if I continue cooking dinner when she stomps on my foot, or if she bawls in her crib and I continue eating bon bons on the sofa, or if he rides his scooter in the street and I simply bring him back to the driveway without looking at him or saying his name and then go back to what I was doing, then those actions do not become part of the attention-getting repertoire.
This doesn’t mean I always ignore bad or unwanted behavior. Last night, Mini bit Pumpkin on the arm at the dinner table. I can’t ignore that. I can’t let them ride into the street while a car is barrelling toward them. If Pumpkin fell out of her crib, is ill, or there is some other reason she feels unsafe or unwell, I can’t ignore her cries during naptime. Being a parent, for me, is about using my own internal compass to determine the motivation of my kids at the time of their unwanted behavior. So I do that. I ask myself “Is this attention seeking, or is this a real issue?”
There are two amazing benefits of using the ignoring technique. First, ignoring my kids’ unwanted and inappropriate behavior saves them the angst of doing it. They don’t get themselves worked up into a tizzy now that they know it won’t yield their desired outcome. Second, it also saves ME the angst and frustration of having to deal with it. Ignoring their unwanted behaviors means I don’t have to fight with them. Instead of getting angry or enraged and giving them the evil eye or the pointy finger or raising my voice, I have a ton of other tools in my box- one of which is ingoring- which presents to them that Mommy is a stable, predictable, consistent person on whom they can test the waters of humanhood and from whom they can get non-threatening advice and modeling on how to do better at being a human in the future.
Let me reiterate that.
To me, when I’m ignoring their inappropriate behavior and offering constructive alternatives to demonstrate their feelings in the future, I am showing my children that they are loved and attended to, and that I’m an even keel, consistent adult they can trust and be real with. I love being consistent and stable for them. I love that they know they can test the waters on me without me going beserk. And I love that they can learn from me how to be a better functioning, more-in-control human because of our work together as parent and child.
I’ll close this chapter with an easy example.
Let’s say Tommy Toddler wants his fire engine to blow its siren and flash its lights. He pushes a few buttons and nothing happens. He pushes them harder…. Nothing. He bangs it on the floor, pushes more buttons, exasperated. Nothing. He starts yelling and crying, banging the fire engine on the floor, throws it at mom, crying all the while. MOMMY GIVE ME ATTENTION PLEASE- MY TRUCK ISN’T WORKING!
Mom has two choices during this scenario. She can wait until the throwing and crying and screaming begins, and reprimand Tommy Toddler “That’s NOT how we treat our toys! We do NOT throw toys at mommy!” while Tommy is crying and beside himself. Tommy might start crying more loudly because Mommy is now reprimanding him for being frustrated, and now mommy’s mad and the dang fire truck STILL isn’t blaring it’s siren or flashing its lights AND WHY ISN’T IT WORKING YET!!!
Hit. Cry. Scream. Throw the truck at mommy because then she’ll see she has to work the truck! Tommy’s bad behavior escalates to the top of his threshold, and Mommy, the biggest reinforcer there is, is providing all kinds of reinforcing attention to the bad behavior by soothing, struggling, trying to calm, touching, hugging, etcetera.
Now. Alternatively, let’s say Tommy Toddler can’t figure out how to work his fire engine and starts banging it on the floor. Mommy walks over, takes then fire truck from Tommy, and when he starts to reach and cry for it she says:
“Stop. Hands down, please. Say ‘Mommy, Help.’ “
And Tommy says “Mommy, help!”
And Mommy says “Thanks for saying help, Buddy! Here’s how you work this fire truck!”
In this second scene, Mommy ignored Tommy’s hitting the truck, banging it on the floor, and whining when the toy was taken away. Instead, Mommy provided the appropriate action and reinforced Tommy when he behaved appropriately by giving him BOTH of the reinforcers- a working fire truck and some playtime with Mommy!
The next time Tommy Toddler needs help, he will hopefully remember his new tool “Mommy, help.” If not, Mommy would ignore whatever his inappropriate means are, and provide him the reminder.
We’ll learn more about how to reign in a frustrated kiddo before s/he gets out of control, and how to use replacement behaviors in the next installment!
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