The Wrong Mantras

I've been thinking for the last couple days... What if I wrote a blog post about something ELSE?  Like, something else besides the only thing I ever think about and the only thing I'm ever involved in.... HOME.  Home and everything that entails: cleaning for showings (since our house is on the market), cooking since we can barely ever afford to go out, and child-raising.  I know that there are so many women who long to be in my shoes- home with their babies, maintaining the peace of the family as best they can, not having to deal with crappy bosses and stressful, time-consuming, frustrating work projects, not having to deal with awful commutes and mind-numbing traffic jams.  Right now, for better or worse, Mini is all I think about.  All I dream about.  Figuring him out and figuring our way to the other side of this is, literally, everything I am right now.  What else could I try to write about without sounding like a jibbering, fake, mess?

It's so easy to look at the grass on the other side of the fence and wonder how "they" got so lucky to have this lush, green, velvety lawn.  It's so easy to think that the problems that other parents are dealing with- be it sleep issues, feeding issues, financial, emotional, marriage...  the list goes on and on- would be a welcome change from the ones I'm dealing with.  At the same time, that family over there is eyeing up our grass and thinking the same.  There is always someone worse off than me, always someone better off, too.

A good friend once said to me that "Comparison is the thief of joy."  I'm not sure who that quote is attributed to, but it is ooooooh so true.  I just can't seem to STOP comparing my life, my family, my body, my troubles, my children, to other people's.  It is silly.  It is pointless.  It is a losing battle.

The fact is that the grass isn't usually greener.  Everyone's got problems they can't solve for themselves (and their family).  The problems other people experience are their own nightmares.  Taking on someone else's issues that, at the moment, seem "easier", are really just different.  I think it would be nice to take a break from handling my son's Autism Spectrum Disorder for a few weeks so that I could try to face someone else's baby's sleep problems.  However, after a few weeks of only sleeping for a couple of hours at a time, and listening to a baby scream for endless hours, for endless days, maybe the grass on the other side of the fence would lose its luster.  Comparison is truly the thief of joy.  And, comparing myself to anyone is ridiculous because I have NO right to judge- the good OR the bad.

The other quote that continuously plays in my head is the lovely Julia Roberts, as "Vivian" in Pretty Woman, when she says "The bad stuff is easier to believe."  Then there's also "Better to expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised."  (Wait, did I author that one myself?  Maybe.)  Because I keep thinking that, if I just prepare my head and my heart for the hardest possible outcome, the worst possible news...  Then maybe reality will end up better than that.  I have such a hard time with being knocked down from the heights.  It's much easier to experience something and think "Ahhhhhh, that totally wasn't as bad as I expected."

But there's this: Mini NEEDS my optimism.  Negativity breeds negativity.  For the first time in my life, I'm not just trying to convince myself to move forward in the best possible way.  I am fighting a battle on someone else's behalf.  Mini can't yet fight this battle, even a little, without me.  If my outlook is negative, he will sense it and think I don't believe in him.  If I drop him off at school and "expect" he won't succeed, then he internalizes that.  The little nuances of my negativity effecting my attitude, my perspective, my daily life all bleed through to my guy.  And he needs every ounce of hope, optimism, belief, love, trust...  that I have inside me.

So there's the rub, right?  How do I protect my own heart from breaking if things don't turn out the best for him, but at the same time shower my son with hope, faith and trust?

That is the question I can't answer at the moment.

The grass is always greener.
The bad stuff is easier to believe.
I'd rather prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised.

Seems like I need some new quotes to repeat in my head, huh? :-)  Feel free to send me some while I start trying to figure out the answer to my life's current question.