Easy to be Grateful Today

Every morning, when I drop off Davis at school, we walk in and I ask him to say hi to the Director who sits at the front desk.  Typically it's Miss Angie.  Yesterday, I said "Buddy say hi to Miss Angie!" and for about the 50th time, he said "NO!"  And I said "Oh c'mon bud...." and he said "NO!" and swatted at her with his lunch bag.  This is typical Davis-with-strangers behavior.  On the way to school, we'll practice saying hi.  He'll say hi to her at the door before we walk in.  Then when we see her, nada.

As I walked out yesterday, I said "Someday I want to walk in and hear him say "HI MISS ANGIE!" without prompting....."  And she said "He will.  I promise.  He is making great strides all the time."  They are angels at Gainesville Children's Center.  That isn't exaggerating.

As soon as I was alone in my car, I started crying.  The tears came uncontrollably.  I HATE that he is such a sweet, gentle soul with me and his dad almost all the time.  And then he gets around other people and he's... well... hard to love.  I want everyone to love my baby.  Every mom does.  I don't want to have the difficult one in class.  I don't want to have the kid that is the most "work" for the teacher.  I don't want to feel like they are doing me a huge favor by working with me and my family.  I want him to be different.  I want him to be like the other mom's babies.

Wednesdays are a speech therapy day.  So I picked him up at noon to go see Miss Kristen.  Again, he wasn't really in to being the lovable part of himself.  She said he spoke very quietly- almost unintelligibly.  She said that he said some good things, but it was like PULLING things out of him.  After repeated asking, repeated attempts.  Lots of patience.  (She didn't say patience.  I added that because I'm sure that was required.)  Then, while she and I were talking and he was sitting in my lap, he said two or three things and she was like "GOOD TALKING DAVIS!  Why don't you say those things to me?"  Looked at me and said "That's the most I've heard from him all day!"

So, again, I almost didn't make it to the car before the tears came.  I just thought... "DAMN.  Why is he so hard?  Am I not doing the right thing for him?  Is anyone ever going to be able to tell me what's wrong with him?  Is he ever going to just be a normal kid?  Am I going to go through every kind of therapist in the book before finally realizing no one knows what's wrong with him?  What if no one can educate him?  What if he's 12 and we still don't know how to help him?"

And just tears and tears.

My days are sometimes so exhausting.  It's like, every hour I have to make the decision to not lose my mind. Every hour, I have to remind myself to slow down.  That I can't solve this in one day.  Or two.  Or 10.  I have to constantly remind myself to stop the catastrophic spiral of thinking and just DO THE NEXT BEST THING.  Slow. Down.  Just do the best thing I can with the information I have, TODAY.  This is my mantra.

Slow down.  Do the next best thing, with the information you have, today.  Move forward the way you have planned, today.  Only for today.

This takes so much effort that I get to the end of each day almost shaking from exhaustion.  My joints have started hurting.  My feet hurt.  My lower back and my shoulder blades are so tight that a minimal amount of pressure hurts.  I fall asleep hoping not to dream.  To just close my eyes and rest.

BUT THEN TODAY HAPPENED!!!!!!!!!!

Today, I picked up Davis from school, and the usual lovely moments happened "YES mommy, I DID have a good day!"  Kisses and hugs, "BYE FRIENDS!!  SEE YOU TOMORROW!"

Then we got in the car and he literally wouldn't shut up, you guys.  Three distinct moments:
1) I pointed out a neighborhood and said "Do you see a couple houses, or a LOT of houses?" and he said "A LOT!  A lot of doors and windows tooooooo!!!"

2) Then, out of the clear blue, he said "Mommy, I helped clean up cars today!" and I said "That's because you are such a great helper bud.  Good work" and then he said "I played with cars today."

Now, this is the very first time EVER that Davis has told me, unsolicited, ***ANYTHING*** about his day.  You guys.  EVER.  He has NEVER told me something about school without me asking first.  This is probably the biggest moment in his language development to date!

3) Our house is on the market and we had a showing tonight.  So I had his potty seat and stool in my car since they can't be in the house for a showing.  After we got home, he said "Mommy, I need my potty seat." and I said "Oh shoot, buddy, I have to go get it out of the car."  So I got it and brought it in and he said "Oh did you find it?" I said "Yep, here you go!" and handed it to him.  He said "GOOD JOOOOOOOOB!!"

Again, give and take conversation is extremely rare for Davis.  That back and forth is a rarity for us.  I'm not sure we've ever had a moment quite like that.  Creating conversation is so good.  The more he does this, the more progress he is showing.

So, today, I am grateful for good days.  We have lots of hard moments.  Lots of exhaustion.  Lots of waiting.  But my guy gives gems.  He lets me know that progress IS happening.  After days like yesterday, I am so glad the sun always rises and greets a new day.

Love.