Who I am and Why

It's true: I'm intense.  My friends and family know it, I know it.  It takes a very short amount of time to learn this little tidbit about my soul.  I live my life a little bit harder than... dare I say... most people.  When I love someone, I love HUGE.  I am loyal to the core, I will walk through fire for my loved one at the drop of a hat, and no matter what the need is.  When I'm happy, I'm blissful.  When I'm mad, I'm most likely furious.  When I get excited about something, I want the *entire globe* to get excited about it with me. (Oh my god have you tried that champagne-strawberry cupcake?  Was it not DELISH!?  Didn't it completely change your ENTIRE BEING for the BETTER!?!?!)  When someone needs a cheerleader for any reason in their life, I feel fairly certain they know to contact me.  Because, dude, I can cheer the white off rice.  It's unusual that I would describe an experience as "fine," or a person as "pretty cool," or a bad movie as... a bad movie.  Usually the experience is either the most amazing experience I've ever had or the worst event of my life, the person is either my future husband or the devil reincarnate, and I either walked out of the movie or called the Academy myself to put in the nomination.

(I kind of wasn't kidding about the cupcake, though.)

So, when I learned that something wasn't developmentally appropriate with my son, naturally I determined immediately that I am the worst mother on earth and had visions of my 45 year old son living in my basement playing online video games for the rest of his life.

Mini has a language delay.  He is also cognitively delayed.  We have had him evaluated three times, and will enter the local school district's evaluation process within the next month.  He doesn't talk the way that he should.  He doesn't engage with the world the way he should.  He doesn't always play the way he should.  He's not open to strangers.

We have a long, hard road ahead.  I have had an ongoing argument with the Universe that I would rather have a terminal illness myself than have anything, ever, happen to my child.  Having to watch him struggle, and having to watch other people mis-understand him, not get to see how beautiful he is is absolutely the most heartbreaking experience of my life.

But this is day 2 of my focus on gratitude.  And so I'm going to discuss what I'm grateful for.  And this is it: I'm grateful that he chose me to be his mommy.  Because I've never half-assed a thing in my life.  And rest assured, this is the most important non-half-assed fight of my life.  I feel certain that, if there is a way for Mini to win, he WILL WIN.  Because I won't sleep til I figure it out.  I know this about myself in the same way I know I love Oreo cookies.  I'm *THAT* sure.  This is not to say I'm not scared to death about the steps I have to take along the way.  Not to say I won't make mistakes or end up in a heap on the floor, tearful and stammering, at times.  I am saying, for sure, I won't stop trying.

Every day when I pick up Mini from school, he sees me and light stretches across his face.  No, I mean it.  It's *actual* light. He walks over to me and says "Mommy."  He doesn't scream it (because he's got his dad's personality, not mine).  He just looks up, and the corners of his mouth turn up, and he glows and says "Mommy."  And then he walks over to me and hugs me and won't let go.  I love LOVE LOVE that I get that moment every day.  I can hardly wait for his little arms to flop around my shoulders and his velvet cheek to rest on mine.  He has started answering questions when I ask about his day, and we sing on the way home sometimes, and I just love that sweet, peaceful part of my day.  Where Mini loves Mommy, and Mommy loves Mini, and everything is hugs and kisses and smiles that look like tooth-filled crescent moons.

I am grateful that I get to be his cheerleader.  It seems that no game has ever needed me to cheer more than the game Mini is going to be playing for the next couple of years.  I'm so glad that he'll know how genuine I am when I'm proud of him.  I'm glad he'll know how genuine I am when we get to celebrate together.  I'm glad he'll know, without question, that his life's biggest cheerleader is his Mommy.  

This soul I have...  It's not always an easy one.  But I made this little person, and I believe that my entire life, every fiber of my being, was born and developed and nurtured to become this woman.  This Mommy, to this Baby Who Needs Exactly Me and my Gifts.  Thank god I am his.